After a romantic breakup, can we break the curse? Not obvious, according to a German study. But there are effective techniques to keep the harmony of the couple despite the inevitable conflicts.
The typical scenario of the life and death of a couple is well known. First, a real “honeymoon” with the idealization of the partner, whose faults we do not see (or do not want to see). Then a rapid and marked decline in satisfaction (disillusionment) when we come back down to earth. Finally, the break, when the relationship turns to open confrontation during conflicts.
New couple relationship
A few months ago, a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology answered the following question: is a new couple relationship different from the earlier one? To answer it, Matthew Johnson (University of Alberta, Canada) and Franz Neyer (University of Jena, Germany) had the idea to repeat four waves of a survey planned to last until 2022, conducted in Germany since 2008 with 6201 couples.
Johnson and Neyer then analyzed the responses of 554 participants who had formed two successive couples during the different waves. The idea was to evaluate two hypotheses, that of a repetition of the previous scenario based on specific stability of attachment behaviors (and partner choices) regardless of the new partner, the other of social learning, and a new dynamics of couple necessarily different, since with a new individual.
Repetition of the scenario of the first year
Researchers compared what participants responded in the first year of the earlier couple with what they met in the first year of the current couple. The questions focused on seven areas, which are all questions to be asked regularly in a couple: relationship satisfaction (“Are you satisfied in your relationship?”), Sexual satisfaction (“Are you satisfied with your sex life? “), frequency of sexual intercourse (” in the past three months “), perception of the couple’s fragility (” Have you ever thought about separation or divorce? “), Conflicts (” How often are you arguing with your partner?”),
It turns out that the first year of the new couple is a little different from the first year of the earlier couple. Only two areas are improved: the frequency of sexual relations (but not sexual satisfaction) and the admiration shown by the partner. So why does it feel like it is much better in the new couple? Mostly, Johnson and Neyer explain, because memories of the good times of the start of a couple are primarily overshadowed by the bad ones that usually went with their end.
Besides, by studying the answers to the questionnaires in the period preceding the end of the couple, Johnson and Neyer observe a decline in relational satisfaction, satisfaction, and frequency of sexual intercourse, confidences, and testimonies of admiration. All this in concert with an increase in the feeling of the fragility of the couple and conflicts.
Couple conflicts are inevitable
In a couple, the important thing is not to know if disputes will arise. The question is how the couple will manage them when they arise. For some couple of therapists, the viability of this couple hangs on the way he does it. The (sad) reality is that many lovers fail and separate. A particularly painful ordeal for those whose attachment was still in these first stages.
But what should we conclude from this? “The first step to help couples to deal with conflicts is to make them understand that they exist in all intimate relationships, and therefore to normalize their existence,” explains, for example, two specialists of the couple at the university from Nevada to Las Vegas, Gerald Weeks and Stephen Fife, in the book Couples in treatment.
Nine Tips for Arguing with Fair Play
It is then possible to remain fair play in conflicts. Weeks and Fife suggest several rules:
1- Be specific in your complaint.
2- Do not only complain but also propose reasonable, realistic solutions.
3- Limit yourself to one problem at a time (even if there are several!)
4- Be ready to compromise (your partner also has his vision of things).
5- Do not allow a counter-request until resolving the first.
6- Do not assume that you know what your partner thinks until he has formulated it.
7- Do not stick a label on your partner.
8- Avoid sarcasm.
9- Forget the past; what matters is what you decide from now on.
A conflict waged in a balanced way supposes that the partners are benevolent and driven by a real concern for moving forward. It is thus much more constructive (and less questionable) to underline the feelings that one experiences (“I have the impression of being lousy when you criticize me in front of our friends”) than to be offensive from the start ( “It is disgusting to humiliate me in front of our friends”). The attack is generally having the sole effect of provoking a counterattack. It is then the escalation.